French Kisses

"On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous, qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout."

 

 

 

 

"Pas un adieu mais vous très bientôt..."

x :: L

In depth, finite

Driving around this big suburbia is not any better as walking around a cosmopolitan city with stunning souls. Do I do the move and risk it or stay in the comfort where it is not even comforting at all. Avicii's Be Free is too ideal right now.

Violet Femmes

"Good Feeling, won't you stay with me just a little longer. It always seems like your leaving, when I need you here just a little longer." These poetic words that jives along the harmonic clangs. Good feeling, when you are with me, I think you are but a dream and so when you leave me behind I get scared that you were just a fantasy.

Lucky Seven

“We all want to be loved, don't we? Everyone looks for a way of finding love. It's a constant search for affection in every walk of life.” -- Audrey Hepburn

Stand-up Comedy

In Grade 2, I remember being always listed as number 1. Then I remember the accomplished look in their face knowing that they’ve been a good, little evil minion of a slacking teacher. They would then tell me to go back to my seat as they ‘might’ rub my name off the list. I wish she choked on the chalk powder, in other words, I just didn’t care. I was the official class prince charming, I was nominated then voted into position and no one can stop me now. I remember the pretentious ‘don’t-nominate-me’ then ‘don’t-vote-for-me’ whispers, with matching a fake vote for the other nominees for the full effect, or maybe out of pity. Now, I’m also listed on the other list. 

 There are two, ‘Noisy’ and ‘Standing’ with the glorious (-2) beside it. What was the deduction really about? It didn’t matter. To me, at least. I still made it to the stupid honour’s list and got my ‘Most Helpful’ award.  Especially now, many years after, it doesn’t matter—even my most recent tertiary degree doesn’t. It’s a stupid list; one can’t be listed on one and not the other. They always come together. If you loiter, you do it right. My proud name written on the board felt like a glorious engravement of the statues of great men. Then when the teacher came back in, I always had a good excuse. Although most of the time, I would tease the “goodie-goodie” student by erasing letters of my name while they take the throne. No one dared to diagnose me with ADHD until in Junior High, because I just seem so cool and energetic.

Breaking Down

After the Twilight is the breaking down. The nights have never been this long, and I am alone in this contemporary home settled in the middle of the bushland. I hummed the night away, then would sing along Counting Stars by OneRepublic. Eunos was a good friend. He was there when I needed him, from day one, I needed him. He never failed me down, until I was asking more of what he could give me. He started to fail. Last night, he gave up-- gave up on me, on us. I can have him fixed, but I got told by everyone that it's cheaper to get rid of him. Goodbye lover, goodbye friend.

Ruby Sparks

In life, we imagine how that perfect someone will walk into our life. We picture the movie-inspired scenarios, or those Nicholas Sparks’ novels. Sparks, Ruby Sparks. The movie I decided to spend my winter solstice. Snacking on mixed trail and Tim tam’s while sipping the perfectly brewed hot Hazelnut Milo I made just before I put the movie on. I believed it was a biography, or about a person, a one that occupied reality at one stage. 

Funny how I thought it was about a real-existing person. She was perfect for him. What he had in mind, and in every detail. The girl in the sunny haze in a dream he once had. Then out of nowhere, she existed. He might have mixed up reality, and his imaginations; whatever it could be, there she was. Just how he pictured her to be, sharing the same detail of the life he wanted her to hold.  It was good. I have to admit that I am being in the same boat with Calvin. How I wish that that special one will turn out what I exactly want them to be. However, I beg to differ having a non-logical explanation of how they suddenly came into my life. They have to have a proper entry in my life though, not just rock up from a concocted memory, or from a dating site or something like that. The sad bit about love (or whatever we should call that fantasy) is we make a puppet out of our illusion. 

 Photo: FilmEquals.com

By the poolside in one of the most striking dialogue in the film, “So that’s what you’re looking for in a guy... douchiness?...” I dunno, maybe I guess I was looking for you... Just took me a while to find you.” She jumps in the pool, the he follows. She asks, “What did you think the first time you saw me?” “I thought you were the most beautiful girl I ever saw.” “Were you disappointed when you got to know me?”  “How can you ask that?” “I’m such a mess.” “I love your mess.” “...The first time I saw you, I thought, ‘look at that boy, I love him, forever, and ever and ever.’” “What if you get sick of me?” “I won’t... I promise.” Then everything comes to a reality, or what if it actually happened and he was just logging everything? 

 “The perfect life, the perfect lie, I realised after Christmas, is one which prevents you from doing that which you would ideally have done (painted, say, or written unpublishable poetry) but which, in fact, you have no wish to do. People need to feel that they have been thwarted by circumstances from pursuing the life which, had they led it, they would not have wanted; whereas the life they really want is precisely a compound of all those thwarting circumstances.”-- Geoff Dyer

Live sometimes always.

5th March 1963

I was just listening to the Beatles today. I like writing, but I always preferred using the type-writer. Don't you like how it made things a lot easier? I might go to the plaza to get a new suit tomorrow. JFK is on the telly.

Jetset

On a journey to cross the great sea

Come with me, we’re leaving today

Hurry up, let’s not delay

On a trip, just you and me

Let’s leave the world and fly away

Let’s go from Tokyo to LA

We can run everywhere, we’ll be free

Come with me, we’re leaving today

Let’s jump off the tall tower of Taipei

And watch the sunset at the harbour of Sydney

Let’s leave the world and fly away

Everything’s always going to be okay

And everything the world has, we will see

Come with me, we’re leaving today

Wherever we go, you’re going to be with me, anyway

What ever will happen, is going to be happy

Let’s leave the world and fly away

Come with me, we’re leaving today

Let’s leave the world and fly away

On a journey to cross the great sea

Come with me, we’re leaving today

Hurry up, let’s not delay

On a trip, just you and me

Let’s leave the world and fly away

Let’s go from Tokyo to LA

We can run everywhere, we’ll be free

Come with me, we’re leaving today

Let’s jump off the tall tower of Taipei

And watch the sunset at the harbour of Sydney

Let’s leave the world and fly away

Everything’s always going to be okay

And everything the world has, we will see

Come with me, we’re leaving today

Wherever we go, you’re going to be with me, anyway

What ever will happen, is going to be happy

Let’s leave the world and fly away

Come with me, we’re leaving today

Regreso

Everything turned to orange, brown and black. And I see monsters knocking in our door. It was so much like what my tíos y tías when they dress up and walk the streets. I couldn't understand what was really going on though. And whenever my mamá opened the door, she wasn't even scared at them. Instead, she would get a bucket of lollies, the exact ones she always placed in the piñata. I could hear the frightening woo outside. I was running to my papá whenever I hear them screaming the words I couldn't even understand. I would hide behind the boxes that he was unpacking. The screams sounded like weird diabolic chants. I was very frightened. I didn't know what was going on, and why we now live in a house that is very unfamiliar to me. Everything was dark, cold and scary. Mucho miedo, terrible.

We went to this place with many salón. We stopped by a cuarto filled with children who doesn't look like me, as this very tall woman walked towards us. They started speaking words I couldn't comprehend. I didn't know what was going on. The kids inside the cuarto started laughing at me, and they were saying familiar words that wasn't pronounced right. I had no idea what was actually going on. Mamá said that I will be learning with the lady, and she said, it is the maestra, and I should be good. I felt like crying the moment my mamá walked out the door, but the maestra just touched my back and showed me a silla, next to this kid with very small eyes. He smiled at me, but I still felt I wanted to run away. I was very terrified. I didn't even understand why my mamá would leave me with these total strangers whom I don't even understand what they are saying. She never left me, and most especially, I never left the house. Mi casa, mi hogar.

After this noise came up, everyone started moving. I got more scared. I didn't know what to do. The maestra said something to the boy with small eyes, he nodded and he started picking up my things and placed them in my bag. I grabbed my bag right furiously, thinking he was going to steal my bag. The maestra approached us, kneeled and told me, "Está bien". I told her that I wanted to go home and be with my mamá, but she looked at me with her head tilted and she just smiled like she doesn't understand what I said, so I told her again. She stood up, and I had to look up to her, and she smiled to me, and she said, "No hablo español, muchacho". It totally didn't make any sense, I was deeply puzzled. The boy with small eyes rumbled things, I looked at him with disgust. I was determined to leave. I had to leave. I had to go back. Volver a casa, go back home.

I sat down on my silla. No one was around. I just hear much laughter and jumping. I was waiting for my mamá to get me out from this cárcel. I stayed strong, on times I wanted to burst to tears. I was alone while every exótico chico y chicas were outside. I looked around the cuarto, it was dark. I felt so alone, everything was very strange. A grupo de chicos blancos went in. The biggest chico threw a ball at me, but he missed. He was murmuring many words, but I just stared at him. He walked towards me and pushed me. I fell, with the silla. I stood up, and they all walked towards me. I wasn't scared; I just didn't understand what was happening. The noise came up again, and everyone rushed back in. The big chico, said something while pointing at me. The maestra went back in.

"Yo quiero ir a casa ahora", I told her with the highest hint of despair. She turned around, looked back down to me and said with a smile, "Bienvenidos a California!". I don't get her, whatever she says does not make sense anymore. I can't wait until this día del infierno will end. They started drawing, so the boy with small eyes said something and offered this box of coloured sticks. I took it, and started using it. I drew our casa en las montañas, but as I was just about to color the skies the azul lápiz de color broke, and the boy with small eyes grabbed it from my hands. The boy with small eyes got angry, his face looked like an angry bull, and his eyes grew even smaller and he screamed words loudly. As he was about to slap me, I grabbed his hand. He cried loudly, it sounded like a howl of a lobo. The maestra walked towards us, and said things again, then she grabbed my shoulder and shoved me out of the cuarto. I was happy, actually. She kicked me out, but I was glad. I was finally out of infierno, away from all those extranjeros.

I actually don’t understand what I did wrong, but what matters most was I was out. I ran out of the cuarto. I saw this big puerta at the end of the pasillo. I know that Mamá will be always on the other side of that puerta, just like at our casa, in the cocina, making fajitas. I hurriedly ran to the puerta, and halfway through, I heard the maestra shouting really loud. “Selestino!”, with words that were piercing as a caballos running through the pueblo. Now I don’t know if she was calling my name or she was telling me that I belonged to heaven. I ran as fast I could, it was a race to the border. Going back to where I come from. I might not be able to go back, but I know I will be with my familia on the other side. Happier than what I am here. As I opened the puerta, I stopped as I saw coches more than what they had in the ciudad. They looked shiny and new, as I turned around; the maestra was still after me. Mamá or papá wasn’t there. So I ran through the coches, but they didn’t stop. They were too big to see me. And there was a big sound of bocina, loud enough to deafen me. It was dark after that. Even darker than what it was in that cuarto con demonios.

I woke up in a brightly lit room. It definitely wasn’t my cuarto in our casa. A woman walked in, it still wasn’t mama. She told me words, which sounded like the words I heard in the cuarto con demonios. But surprisingly, I understood her. I spoke back to her, in the language of the demonios. I looked at my brazo; it was an adult man’s. Did I die and now my soul is in the wrong body? Not long, and another woman walked in, “Oh, Tino. You’re awake!” I didn’t recognize her. I said, “Who are you?” I was surprised again. I actually spoke the devil’s tongue, in a different voice. Was I asleep for too long? How did I learn this language? Who is this woman? What happened to me? There were too many questions running in my head.

I found out that I am actually now an American Border Security Patrol. I was caught in a gunning incident from a Mexican who tried to cross the border. Ironically, I grew up becoming part of the place which I called strange, which is now I call home. I wanted to go back to the place I called home and ending up stopping my fellow Mexicans enter the place I considered hell.

Daiquiri

The world is flat, I know you know that
Then I grow my hair in time for your vanity fair
But what good does tomorrow bring
If tonight you just look forward for the morning

I look out that hotel room window
Then we see that film with Marilyn Monroe
Your eyes turned to what seems like Angel Falls
Then you turn around from me when she calls

Do you remember the time when we were scared?
We were but we did things, simply, we just dared
If it has all changed, you say I can blame time
Auspiciously, it’s all going to be sublime

In the morning that you’ve always waited
The hotel in the corner’s left dilapidated
You’re right with how time takes its toll
And in this morning, it’s been awhile for this crawl

It’s pointless to commit to this memory
I know, we both should just be free
But the way I was ostracised

The pilot screams as he pulls the flaps
Bearing the thought of beautiful strokes, streaks and drops
What we thought would be becoming wild,
Has cleanly murdered what they’d consider mild
I thought we’ll always be the same child?

Bounded

Yesterday was Australia Day, I will put up photos soon. I was with a mate for the weekend, and it was awesome. 3D Fireworks - 3D Katy Perry. Sober and child-friendly. Happy Australia Day, indeed.

I have nothing much to say really. I have nothing much to do today either. I feel bounded and trapped. "We are infinite." Are we really?

Society has set the rules. The government has set the laws. We are not infinite, we are not boundless. We will rot in mediocrity and conform to what is against our will. My prescription glasses gives me a headache.

Dora, where are we going?

I've been told I am a 'Jack of All Trades', well I think that isn't a compliment anymore-- it has turned to a insulting curse. It means I am capable of everything, but only to a certain degree. I can never be good at anything. On the sunny side up of the egg, at least I can do something. It's hard not to know what you want to do, and it's worse if you know what but you have too many options. I don't want to go to Uni. I think it's a waste of time, we've been in school trying to learn things in some other people's standards. I've been pondering if it was worth it. Well, at least in high school it taught me Chemistry, which is applicable in-- cooking! I'll come back for you Uni in case I've got nowhere else to go! For now, I'll be an alchemist.

Australian Summer

The holidays in Australia is about sun and fun. Meanwhile it's all about cute knitted jumpers (sweaters) and scarves on the other side of the pole; it's about thongs (flip flops), the bay and threats of bush-fires in our area. I had a wonderful time spending these days getting days off my tacky job and being with special people.

One weekend, I spent the night with school friends which turned to a skate night. Few hours from then, I freshened myself up with nothing but a borrowed shirt with a tie; going for a wedding coverage in my work pants, work shoes and a dampened hair. Yes, I wore my work pants and work shoes while skating the previous night. Back-up photographer, no pressure at all.

Cheats in life I've learned in 6 weeks

(1) Time travelling is through taking photos and talking with friends, if applicable; (2) Flying is possible, you just need to hop on those planks with wheels; (3) You need no money to experience first class amenities, it's all for free; (4) Novels and parables are readily available from the mouths of wise unmet friends; (5) There's a free museum anywhere near you that is open 24/7, with exhibits waiting to be appreciated; (6) A free method of transpation they call walking; (7) Fresh fruits are fast food; (8) The universe is with us and it's our thinking takes us to wherever we want to be; (9) There is a place we can call home, and it is anywhere where we are happy, and finally, (10) The easiest way to win the lottery is to be content.

Forgive the typos and live free

I am in pain losing three of my most favourite jeans-- my black skinny jeans, the bleached blue pants and my 'hipster' pants.

It's odd how I gained attachment to them and I didn't realise I lost them until I looked for them today. I must've left them at the old lady's house, which is impossible for me to retrieve now.

I know, they're just clothes. I can always get new and better ones. It feels like treating a friend insignificantly and realising one day that you've lost them all of a sudden.

Well, I think it's time not to hold on temporal belongings and rather start living the journey of my 'Personal Legend'.

The party ends and no one stays, nothing lasts; but we look back on good memories. If we live by the moment, we will be happier. The universe will conspire to the desires of our hearts.

Be scared of nothing and dare to see new things. Whatever the forefathers built was for you to enjoy. They know it wouldnt last the tests of time, but it was built to be appreciated. Appreciate things.

If I lost those pants, my favourite pairs; it means I will have to get new ones. One way or another I will have to get new ones. Life is simple, jovial but more importantly it is for us to be enjoyed.

If I learn to get rid from the burdens of material things so I can run more freely and I can go wherever. I am near there, just a bit more and I will be free. We are born with nothing, therefore we can live without anything.

Everything will be okay, they say.

The other night was horrible: I was on the verge of collapse. I couldn't make up my mind, I figured out that I have to pay for someone who owes me, even more and I am about to lose a friend. It's amazing though how you always try to look on the bright-side of life even though you're crumbling, dying in the inside. A simple time to get out, go for a walk to think can make your worries less. However, I hate how you'll still carry the burden until you rest. Thank you subconsciousness. I had one of the most terrible sleeps as far as I could remember and I didn't like it. When I woke up again, I decided to talk to myself, only me would do that. I convinced myself that there's far more life will bring for me. That I have to stay alive to make everyone me happy; alive in the sense of my witty spirit. I can't pass unto them the bad vibes-- it's just wrong and disrespectful. Thank you subconsciousness.

I can always win back my friend, sort my finances out and be free again. At work, I didn't feel the best but I made sure I will not ruin someone's day, I will make sure I'll be as happy as I can.

I think the more positivity you try to convey, you attract more. I was enlightened and I knew everything will be okay in the soonest time. I found myself on a bus to the town of Mount Barker, reading on The Alchemist with a big headache from the improper sleep. Everything changed from there on. Everything turned better.

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

15 Whatever is has already been,
    and what will be has been before;
    and God will call the past to account.[b]

 
It's all about knowing that the same hand that saved thousands, is still the same hand that will save me.

Everything will be okay, they say... and they are right.

Landananda (Straya)

G'day mate! No one really say that, contrary to stereotype. Well, I wake up almost every morning disoriented. It's been over 12 weeks and up until now, it still doesn't sync that I am somewhere else. I have moved three times in such short time: packing, unpacking, organising then later start packing them again. Things happen for a reason, and in one day it did happen all at once: lost a space in the city, checked out a car-- the following day, totally left the city and drove back to the hills with a fancy-featured car I bought with my savings. That day, it felt like the universe granted what I wanted. They made things bad, but it was still in favour with me.

Happily homeless

Have you ever felt that you're just literally a dust? Like, there's nowhere you can call home. Nowhere to run back to whenever you feel like you needed to.

Today, I was a bit too early for work, so like what I normally do before I begin my shift, I read a book-- this time, it was The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, after reading a few pages, the lady I was seated next to initiated a conversation-- she was very friendly though she didn't speak a common language in fluency.

With her oranges and bag of sultanas that she was more than willing to share, she also shared that experiences she had in her life.

I am so blessed meeting all these people and hearing their stories. First, Mima, a Slovenian refugee that struggled for a better life in Australia; then Allan, an ex-school deputy principal who was secretly homosexual up until he decided to come out at 57; then now I am having this very wholesome conversation with Fikreta.

Fikreta is very lovely and elegant. She was telling me about her daughter, her experiences and what life brings forth for someone who seeks thrill in it.

As the conversation went by, and a frequent tutorial of a few words from the 10 languages she fluently speaks, I came to discover she was a writer, and she wrote books in many languages-- as often she wrote was as fond as she read. She read books from authors that I've never heard of, only except with Pablo Neruda.

I found her stories really brilliant, and I was more than inspired to travel. I felt like I was Santiago, and she was the old king who seated next to him in the plaza-- it was something like that, also that I was holding that book felt a bit weird.

I also remember she was singing to me in her high pitched melodic voice. She was an opera singer in Europe, and she had three voices: alto, soprano and I forgot the other one. Her lovely voice was echoing through the lifeless pavements and faded buildings of Rundle Mall, and she was unbelievably gifted in what she does.

Well, I think it's a good thing where there's nothing to look back to. You can just keep moving forward. You consider the place where you at for the moment your home, and life just never gets boring.

It's only when you don't acknowledge a blessing, it comes to be a curse.